Your Cat Needs To Be Vegan

SATIRE

You are evil if it isn’t

The year is 2020 and yet many people out there are living as though it’s the dark ages. I have spoken with a true hero of the modern age and discovered the truth about the importance of a vegan lifestyle for your cat.

The animal rights warrior to which I spoke has requested to remain anonymous and I have opted to respect that the decision. From here on out, we shall refer to her as Jane.

So, let me tell you a little about this wonderful woman. Jane lives in a small fourth-floor studio apartment but she doesn’t let that get in the way. She currently houses fourteen cats in her home and has plans to adopt two more by the end of next week.

Jane is a strict vegan and her philosophy is that she is one of the few true vegans in the country, the others are living a life of fallacy. Whilst many false vegans are content with just limiting their own effects on nature, Jane knows that is her responsibility to force her views onto others.

Most cats, as you may know, exist on a diet which exclusively consists of flesh. Fish flesh, chicken flesh and even cow flesh. They are predators and as we all know, predators are evil.

Jane’s cats are different though. Once they arrive at her flat, they are immediately declawed. This is the most humane thing to do for a cat as if it somehow escapes the apartment block, it’s sick predatory instincts will kick in. If she’s not careful, she could have a rodent bloodbath on her hands.

Some will tell you that it's cruel to declaw a cat. Jane, however, feels it's cruel to enable a cat to become a serial killer.

Then comes time for the new meal plan. Tuna and poultry are out the window. In order to not cause too much of a shock the feline’s system, the cats are fed tofurkey for the first few days. For those of you that are unaware, tofurkey is a turkey substitute made from a blend of wheat protein and organic tofu.

After this settling in period, the diet becomes a mix of lentils and carrots. Mushrooms are fed to the cats on weekends. The food can begin to add up in price but fortunately, when donations are scarce, berries and leaves can be collected from a nearby nature park.

Water is, of course, a fish’s home and because of this Jane and the cats drink only Gatorade. You may be surprised to learn that Gatorade is vegan friendly but I can assure you it is. Jane advises me that the vitamins in Gatorade make it much healthier than water anyway.

I have been assured by this wonderful woman that the cats are incredibly happy with their new arrangement. Indeed, in the time I spent in the apartment many of the cats rarely stopped meowing, presumably from excitement. The ones that weren’t making noise lay motionless on the floor, tuckered out from a day of pure bliss.

One cat particularly intrigued me. He sat, staring down at the city from the locked window for hours at a time. I can only assume that he was wishing that all the other cats of the local settlement were as lucky as he was. He wanted others to know his owners love.

Jane doesn’t name the cats, they don’t usually stay alive long enough for it to be worth it. This piqued my curiosity so I asked her to elaborate further. She then informed me that, on average, the cats only usually survive around 3 weeks with her. Jane suspects this is because the cats are sick from all the meat they have eaten before she gets a chance to rescue them.

Godspeed Jane! The world needs more people like you.

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