Interview With Easter Bunny

E.B. reveals preferred pronouns and contract negotiations

The first question for you Easter Rabbit — or Bunny, can I call you Bunny? — is what are your pronouns?

E.B. Yeah, well, this is a subject of debate. I am a rabbit, often pictured in a nice little jacket, so you might think I am Mr. Easter Bunny. People tend to put me and Peter Rabbit in the same bucket.

I lay colored eggs and hide them. Laying eggs would indicate I am a Ms. Easter Bunny, but since rabbits don’t talk or lay eggs, it’s your call. I’m flexible.

Let’s say they, their.

So, where did you come from, E.B.?

E.B. There’s no consistency in that answer either. Some people think Easter is related to estrogen which is related to a goddess of fertility, Eostre who had a hare, but that’s all speculation.

The pagans have a more significant lobby now, you know? The expression is “copulate like bunnies” so I think it’s related to our purported fertility.

The Easter Bunny tradition started with the Germans, who also brought us Christmas trees, and Hegel and Wagner and Hitler.

So, who you gonna trust?

I heard rumors that you and the Christmas Elves and the Tooth Fairy are organizing a union. Is there any truth to that? We know it’s been the year of the great resignation.

E.B. Look, I don’t get any respect, just once a year I have this job. At least the Tooth Fairy works intermittently, you know? Always on call. And Santa and the Elves, they have one big night but Santa is gigging in the malls during December, and the elves are busy in the workshop right up until the big night.

Yeah, so I probably have the easiest job, but I want to support my fellow workers.

We’re all up against Prime delivery, there’s a chance malls might go under, and the rates for the tooth fairy keep going up. It’s ridiculous what the fairy has to put under a pillow these days.

The kids are getting pickier about chocolate, too. Used to be you picked up jelly beans and a couple of Russell Stover chocolate eggs at Walmart, and you were good to go. Now there are hand-crafted chocolates…

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